I didn't post this last week... I was re-writing it for the 100th time. My birthday always makes me a little contemplative, and I had one of those about a week ago. So I wrote and edited and erased and started over. Then I decided the original was the best, because it was the truth. raw. from the heart.
So here it is. For what it's worth.
Thirty-Three was a pretty rough year.
I was tired, Unsettled. Depressed. Overwhelmed.
I was dealing with a failing marriage and high functioning anxiety. I wasn't sleeping thanks to my toddler being anti-bed time, and I was trying to raise a family and run a business, all while life was changing around me so quickly that it was sometimes hard for me to wrap my brain around it.
I was lost and unhappy.
I let myself become lost - which made me unhappy.
So I decided to take my life back.
It wasn't an easy decision. And I'm sure depending on which version you hear and rumors you believe, you might be convinced that I lost my mind. I can assure you, I didn't. In fact... I found it.
And I learned a lot.
I learned a lot about family, and friendship - loyalty and commitment. I learned who has my back unconditionally and who had it when it was convenient.
There were some pretty dark days. Some days I wondered if anyone would notice if I packed a bag and ran away. Some days where I wondered if life would have been easier if X, Y or Z had happened instead. Some days where I just wanted to pull the blankets over my head and sleep for the rest of my life.
And during that dark time I met someone. Someone I wasn't looking for. Someone I told myself I didn't need. Someone very unexpected.
And after a very brief, very feeble attempt to ignore the fact that he was my Person, I decided to leap. Not only in to a new relationship, but also a new career. A dream that I had wanted to chase for a long time. If I was going to do it, I was going to do it all.
And what people decided to say about me - the judgement from those who decided to fill in the blanks on their own - the straight up fabrication of people's minds - well, quite frankly, it hurt. Because contrary to popular belief, I do have feelings.
And after a lot of tears, and a lot of hiding under the covers, and a lot of ice cream, I decided that the pity party was over and it was time to get on with life. It was time to be okay with being me.
I am not too much.
I am dedicated and passionate. I am hard-working and determined. I am smart. I am emotional. I am caring and compassionate. I am a whole lot of things - but I am far from perfect. I see my flaws, my faults, my short-comings, and I am working on those parts of myself. But not at the surrender of my true self.
And it has taken my a long time to be able to say this, but if you don't like me, well, I don't fucking care.
And if you want to make yourself feel better by making up/believing/filling in the blanks of my life without actually ever asking me about it - go ahead - It's not your life, you didn't live it. You literally have no idea.
That should get me some good comments. Some eye rolls. But it's okay. I know how it sounds. Harsh. But really, it's not. It's the truth. At this point in my life I literally do not have time for people who are pre-occupied with creating drama and complaining that I didn't do enough for them.
Do I fall short? All the time.
Do I give every ounce of what I have to everyone around me? Yes. Everyday.
Are some days better than others? Yes. Definitely.
But I am comfortable in my own skin now. I'm not hiding. I'm not trying to "tone it down". I don't care if I'm "too much" for some people.
Because to the right people - My Husband - My Kids - My Family - My Friends - I am enough. Just the way I am.
And it feels really fucking good.
Monday Challenge: My challenge to you all this week is to be yourself. Say something that you have been holding back. Cry in front of someone. Scream out loud. Laugh. Dance silly in the grocery store. Wear that funky outfit you like but are afraid you'll get weird looks for. Love hard. Take a chance. Do something that scares you. Tell someone that you are struggling. Tell someone that you are doing well and feel accomplished. Live out loud and don't hesitate. Stop letting others control how you react to situations and take control of how you approach your daily life. Be too much - because to someone you will be just enough!